Frustrated
The Boy has had a bad month.
Since going back to school from the Christmas break, he's had six days where he didn't get a note sent home from the teacher.
Six.days.
It makes for some hard times at home, too, because we don't understand why he can't or won't behave at school and we get angry when we see another note from the teacher. He's had television, x box, snacks, allowance - everything short of hockey - taken away from him.
I refuse to take away hockey. He needs an outlet for his energy, he works hard at it, and it's the biggest positive in his life right now.
MFH decided to visit with the principal to see what exactly is happening at school and what we can do differently.
She started off the conversation by calling our son "a naughty boy". The third time she said it, MFH got pissed. "I want you to quit saying that," he said. "My son doesn't steal or lie, he just doesn't listen. That doesn't make him a naughty boy."
There are three or four boys in his class that are consistently sent to the principal for one thing or another. The other kindergarten class doesn't have this problem, but then that teacher is "seasoned" and loves kindergarten. The Boy's teacher as much as told me that she took this position to get into the system, but it certainly was not her first choice to teach this age. Huh. Things are beginning to make sense. MFH got the distinct impression that the principal doesn't like The Boy. That is her right. I know you can't like every child. But, it is not her right to make our son miserable.
We are the first to admit he is not perfect. We know he has a listening problem and a hearing problem. We know he likes to play and tease. We know he can get rough in his play. But he is also very compassionate. He has a big heart. He is a good friend.
He is also very intelligent. They say he has trouble "settling down to the task at hand" but the papers he brings home are perfect. His report card was perfect. I can see erasures where he made a mistake and had to correct it because it wasn't good enough for him. This is not the work of a child that can't settle down to the task at hand.
They asked how we punish him at home for a bad day at school. MFH told her we are finished punishing him at home for what happens at school. It makes us all miserable, and we've had it. She asked us to take hockey away from him, and MFH said absolutely not.
Then MFH told her, "The way I see it, you work for us and the job you are doing with my son is unsatisfactory. Not all kids are formed from the same mold, and yet you insist on treating them all the same. You took recess away from my son for a week, and then punished him when he ran in the classroom. Yes, it was wrong of him, but do see why he did it? He is immune to you. He doesn't care if he gets punished. You have backed him into a corner. I want you to do something to change that. Maybe instead of reinforcing his bad behavior, you could reward him for good behavior. That would be a start."
She called back today. My son's day is now split in two halves. Instead of punishment building upon punishment, his day starts over after lunch with a clean slate. We get a report each day. He gets a sticker for good behavior, and if there are any infractions, she writes what happened and no sticker. He can save the stickers and trade them in for rewards.
Today he got a sticker in the morning, and one warning in the afternoon. He said he tried his hardest to make good choices.
That's a great start.
Since going back to school from the Christmas break, he's had six days where he didn't get a note sent home from the teacher.
Six.days.
It makes for some hard times at home, too, because we don't understand why he can't or won't behave at school and we get angry when we see another note from the teacher. He's had television, x box, snacks, allowance - everything short of hockey - taken away from him.
I refuse to take away hockey. He needs an outlet for his energy, he works hard at it, and it's the biggest positive in his life right now.
MFH decided to visit with the principal to see what exactly is happening at school and what we can do differently.
She started off the conversation by calling our son "a naughty boy". The third time she said it, MFH got pissed. "I want you to quit saying that," he said. "My son doesn't steal or lie, he just doesn't listen. That doesn't make him a naughty boy."
There are three or four boys in his class that are consistently sent to the principal for one thing or another. The other kindergarten class doesn't have this problem, but then that teacher is "seasoned" and loves kindergarten. The Boy's teacher as much as told me that she took this position to get into the system, but it certainly was not her first choice to teach this age. Huh. Things are beginning to make sense. MFH got the distinct impression that the principal doesn't like The Boy. That is her right. I know you can't like every child. But, it is not her right to make our son miserable.
We are the first to admit he is not perfect. We know he has a listening problem and a hearing problem. We know he likes to play and tease. We know he can get rough in his play. But he is also very compassionate. He has a big heart. He is a good friend.
He is also very intelligent. They say he has trouble "settling down to the task at hand" but the papers he brings home are perfect. His report card was perfect. I can see erasures where he made a mistake and had to correct it because it wasn't good enough for him. This is not the work of a child that can't settle down to the task at hand.
They asked how we punish him at home for a bad day at school. MFH told her we are finished punishing him at home for what happens at school. It makes us all miserable, and we've had it. She asked us to take hockey away from him, and MFH said absolutely not.
Then MFH told her, "The way I see it, you work for us and the job you are doing with my son is unsatisfactory. Not all kids are formed from the same mold, and yet you insist on treating them all the same. You took recess away from my son for a week, and then punished him when he ran in the classroom. Yes, it was wrong of him, but do see why he did it? He is immune to you. He doesn't care if he gets punished. You have backed him into a corner. I want you to do something to change that. Maybe instead of reinforcing his bad behavior, you could reward him for good behavior. That would be a start."
She called back today. My son's day is now split in two halves. Instead of punishment building upon punishment, his day starts over after lunch with a clean slate. We get a report each day. He gets a sticker for good behavior, and if there are any infractions, she writes what happened and no sticker. He can save the stickers and trade them in for rewards.
Today he got a sticker in the morning, and one warning in the afternoon. He said he tried his hardest to make good choices.
That's a great start.
posted by Well-heeled mom @ 7:52 PM
8 Comments:
At 4:00 AM,
Anonymous said…
Thanks for writnig about this. It was what I needed to hear. I have the same experiences with the school. It is so frustrating. Good job trying to talk to them. We've never gotten to the point where they wanted to bother to speak with us. But I have no doubt the experience would have been the same as yours. I hear you when you say your son is kind and caring and smart. My son is too and so are most of the boys in his class. But without a doubt school is for girls and boys have a harder time with the regimentation that requires them to keep their hands to themselves when they are standing in line or sitting on the rug. Why after all these years teachers don't get that is not clear to me.
The one thing that you mentioned that struck the strongest chord with me is that you got the impression the principal does not like your son. I've had that experience a few times with my son as he has been growing up. His current teacher does not like him. It always suprises me when it happens. Now it has happened enough, like 4 times, that I don't get quite as worked up when it does.
I try to make all of this a learning experience for him in that I try to explain to him that life is a game and if you want a smoother ride you gotta figure out how to play the game. Teachers want perky and still, do that and you are golden. Bother the other kids and don't pay attention in class and you are guaranteed to draw their negative attention.
I would not punish at home for minor infractions at school. I certainly would not consider taking hockey away from him. If he were stealing or lying or hitting intentionally that's a different story. But if he just has trouble not talking to the boy beside him at storytime, come on now, he's a 6 year old boy for goodness sakes!
One more thing and I'll jump off my soapbox for this minute. If your classrooms are anything like my experience they are a cluttered jumble of color. There are things hanging from the ceiling, stuff taped all over the walls. you can't see the alphabet for all the snowmen and scarecrows and apples and yellow butterflies and labels sayind "desk" and "clock" tacked up everywhere. What kid can pay attention with that riot of color going on all around them?
At 5:11 AM,
Suz said…
It is hard enough to deal with people who see you negatively and who have a bad impression of you, as an adult. I cannot imagine what it feels like to do so as a child. It sounds like some progress is being made, but people who are educators should educate, not pigeon-hole.
At 6:08 AM,
Cricket said…
The idea that she instructed you how to discipline your son floors me. Add to that the fact that hockey is a team sport and removing one up ends the team. I used to hate parents denying a kid baseball, then the team winds up short a player. It punishes the team more than the player.
I think they're not focusing enough on the triggers, things he's not responsible for, like other rowdy kids. I was hoping that this would gain a transfer to the other class.
It is difficult for me to fathom that this is his introduction to school, that this could imprint upon him how school will be for him. I hope they get their heads out of their asses and make it work. He's obviously not the only one with problems.
At 6:45 AM,
Alleen said…
Good for you standing up to the principal. Sounds like you actually got your point across and she listened!!
At 7:48 AM,
DD said…
It does seem to be much easier to "punish" than to "reward" and then the nasty patterns develop.
We have started some very simple rewards for XBoy: at the end of the week, if there were no problems at school, he and his Dad get Slurpees.
I think it's harder to reward because it requires much more interaction and time. I mean, it's easy for me to say "if you don't pick up your toys, I'm taking away the gameboy" and poof, gameboy goes away. However, "If you pick up your toys, we'll do some fingerpainting" takes more parental or teacher interaction.
I have to admit that I'm torn about the hockey. You could make it to be the reward as well: "have a week with no notes, and you get to play hockey" instead of "if you get a note, there's no hockey" but that's definitely not up to the teacher.
At 8:10 AM,
Anonymous said…
great start and I ADORE this idea:
My son's day is now split in two halves. Instead of punishment building upon punishment, his day starts over after lunch with a clean slate
and have filed that chickenbus away!!
Carla
At 8:50 AM,
Michelle Smiles said…
Good for you!
You tried to work with the school and to deal with the issue at home. I didn't work so you insisted they try something else. I hope this solution works. Keep advocating for the boy and glad you stuck to your guns on hockey. It sounds like he needs it to burn off some of his energy.
AND? I used to fight with schools all of the time when they would punish a high energy kid by taking away his only outlet (recess). Then they wondered why the situation got worse?! Hello - the kids need that, find another way!
At 5:32 AM,
Anonymous said…
You might also ask about a RIDE program (RIDE stands for Responding to Individual Differences in Education.) As I understand it this is a program created in the midwest but now used nationwide to help less experienced teachers get the skills needed to best teach children that learn differently. One of the goals is to reduce the number of special ed referrals for kids that are just active learners.
MFH has good control. I think I would have screamed at the first use of "naughty". I get mad when people say my toddler is being good because she sits still so well for story time etc. It's not like she is making any effort to be still, she has motor processing problems and has a hard time thinking and moving at the same time.
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