Guilt
Sometimes I am not a good mom.
Sometimes I am not a good wife, either. Since MFH is an adult, though, I guess I don't let that bother me as much as it should.
But the boy.....man. The guilt eats away at me when I don't do right by him. Most likely I have one shot at parenthood. It's important to me to do it well. We waited a long time for this chance, and it's always at the top of my mind to treasure every second that I have with him. But, parenting even this most-of-the-time-good boy presents it's challenges. I never wanted to be a yeller, and sometimes I yell. I thought that since I used to be a teacher, and since I am an older mom, I would be more patient with my son. And, for the most part I am. But there are times, like yesterday when he was dragging himself slowly up the stairs, me behind him with a heaping basket of laundry, and him saying "I have to poop"....while crawling slowly up the stairs...UGH. I was not patient. And I still feel shitty about it today. Heh. I said he had to poop and I feel shitty - even under the weight of all this guilt, that made me smile.
I guess one reason it's so hard on me is this - what will he remember from his childhood?
I remember very few bad things about my childhood. I remember being in the hospital when I was three having my tonsils removed. Somebody there gave me a clown puppet. I HATE clowns to this day. That's my earliest memory, and really one of the few I have from that early age. I'm sure my mom yelled at me - I know she did when I was a teenager, so she must have yelled at some point in my childhood, but I don't remember it. I'm sure she must have been impatient with me, too. I don't remember that either. As a stay at home mom with 4 kids, her patience must have worn thin on many days. But, ah, the good stuff. There is lots of good stuff to remember.
I know the boy has lots of good stuff in his life. I suppose that's really all we can hope for our children. That the good will always outweigh the bad.
Sometimes I am not a good wife, either. Since MFH is an adult, though, I guess I don't let that bother me as much as it should.
But the boy.....man. The guilt eats away at me when I don't do right by him. Most likely I have one shot at parenthood. It's important to me to do it well. We waited a long time for this chance, and it's always at the top of my mind to treasure every second that I have with him. But, parenting even this most-of-the-time-good boy presents it's challenges. I never wanted to be a yeller, and sometimes I yell. I thought that since I used to be a teacher, and since I am an older mom, I would be more patient with my son. And, for the most part I am. But there are times, like yesterday when he was dragging himself slowly up the stairs, me behind him with a heaping basket of laundry, and him saying "I have to poop"....while crawling slowly up the stairs...UGH. I was not patient. And I still feel shitty about it today. Heh. I said he had to poop and I feel shitty - even under the weight of all this guilt, that made me smile.
I guess one reason it's so hard on me is this - what will he remember from his childhood?
I remember very few bad things about my childhood. I remember being in the hospital when I was three having my tonsils removed. Somebody there gave me a clown puppet. I HATE clowns to this day. That's my earliest memory, and really one of the few I have from that early age. I'm sure my mom yelled at me - I know she did when I was a teenager, so she must have yelled at some point in my childhood, but I don't remember it. I'm sure she must have been impatient with me, too. I don't remember that either. As a stay at home mom with 4 kids, her patience must have worn thin on many days. But, ah, the good stuff. There is lots of good stuff to remember.
I know the boy has lots of good stuff in his life. I suppose that's really all we can hope for our children. That the good will always outweigh the bad.
posted by Well-heeled mom @ 11:05 AM
2 Comments:
At 6:08 PM,
Kim Strahan said…
Man I wish there was a guilt equalizer. Like a nutrious lunch and an hour of finger paints can take away the guilt felt after 5 minutes in the grocery store. That must be why they sell wine in boxes there.
Good luck! Every mom I know struggles with that guilt gene.
At 10:12 AM,
Not-So-Normal-Mom said…
Not me. I am doing the best I can, and I know this. That's all we can do. I also know that in the grand scheme of things, they will remember the fun. Kids need discipline or we are doing them a diservice. You don't want to raise your son to be one of those men that has no responsibilities and blames his parents for not teaching him how to do the right thing! I don't know...getting frustrated because the little guy won't hurry up the stairs is pretty mild...I don't think you have too much to worry about!
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